Gridlock

Traffic

My husband used to travel about an hour each direction for work. I would always feel frustrated when I expected him home at a certain time, but he would come late. I would ask him where he’d been and he’d always answer in the same bored voice, “I was stuck in traffic.” I would roll my eyes. Traffic seriously couldn’t be that bad. I ventured out during the day, I never got stuck in traffic. 

Then one day I had an early morning meeting I needed to attend. I had a frantic morning, but finally got on the road a bit later than I expected. I got on the freeway, thinking I was finally going to get somewhere and slammed on my breaks. What?! Why are all the cars stopped? Doesn’t anyone need to get to work?? Oh, yeah. Traffic. For the next 90 minutes I fumed in my car. I was late to my meeting. 

Relationship Gridlock 

These frustrations aren’t exclusively reserved for our vehicles. When we have unsolvable problems in our marriages, we hit relationship gridlock. (1) This stuck feeling can often lead to resentment, distance in the relationship and eventually the conclusion to give up. But, just like traffic, there is a way out. It just takes lots of patience and time. 

Getting Out 

In his book, Gottman says, “Remember that you don’t have to solve the problem to get past gridlock. Neither of you has to “give in” or “lose”. The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other.” (2) Gottman goes on to explain that gridlock problems are fueled by dreams, which are often rooted in childhood. Knowing this, when our relationships are faced with a gridlock situation, we need to find the dreams working behind the curtains. Only then will the deeper, truer issues be made apparent. Once this happens, the next steps are to soothe each other, so neither gets flooded by the conversation, find a possible compromise by looking for areas that may be flexible in your and your spouse’s dreams, and finally thank each other for sharing such intimate information. This is not a quick fix. Just like releasing ourselves from traffic gridlock, it can take an extended amount of time to properly do each step, and eventually progress. 

Avoidance 

Of course, rather than fight our way through such a process, it’s ideal to avoid it in the first place! This is where Gottman suggests a ‘poop detector’. (3) This is an early detection system that allows us to address problems in their early stages, before they reach a gridlock situation. This is best done by being sensitive and aware of each other in the marriage. We should notice when our spouse is cranky for several days, or a little more withdrawn or perhaps even a little more demanding. These can all be early signs of conflict waiting down the road. This allows marriages to escape the damaging effects of gridlock situations and provides an emotional sense of security.      

1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman, Chapter 8
2. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman, Chapter 11
3. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman, Afterword