Conflict

Perpetual Problems

I have often said to my husband, “We’ve had this conversation before.” It’s the line I use when I feel extra frustrated with conflicts between us that arise over and over again. These always stressed me, because I am a focused, results oriented person and when problems come up more than once, I feel like a failure. We didn’t solve it! It’s back! I want problems to be solved, finished, and then banished forever. Ha! It’s too bad it doesn’t work that way in real life. I loved Gottman’s thoughts on the subject, “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.” (1) This brought me some comfort. Perhaps we will continue going on and on, dealing with the same conflicts over and over, but the fact is I’m still very happy. I love my husband and all of his annoyances. Our marriage is not somehow less because of our perpetual problems.

The Majority

In his book, Gottman says that, “Unfortunately, the majority of marital conflicts fall into this category- 69% to be exact.” (1) In my marriage, I have found this to be true. My husband and I are still fundamentally different people, and we should be. That’s the beauty of marriage. But of course, because we’re different we have conflicts. Some are situational, resolve and disappear as they should. But some conflicts are held deeper and more personal. Beliefs that can’t be changed, no matter how many times we go the rounds on it. Since situational conflicts dissolve and perpetual conflicts arise again and again, it often feels like fighting a losing battle. The answer is to forgive instead of losing.

Forgiveness

Gottman states, “For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on the past resentments. This can be hard to do, but it is well worth it. When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit. Bitterness is a heavy burden.” (1) I know this is true. For several years earlier in our marriage, I held a grudge against my husband. It wasn’t until I had broken myself down completely and been consumed by anger that I began looking for options. The only option that could possibly offer relief was to let go, and forgive. It was difficult. I felt like this grudge was an integrated part of my personality, it had been around for so long. Through many tears, prayers, and my Savior Jesus Christ, I was able to eventually find peace again. I forgave my husband. I felt a literal weight lifted in our marriage. Forgiveness is not easy, but it does work.

 

1- 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman, chapter 8